


Nightmare of a Birthday

by Denshi_Alpha



Category: Bleach
Genre: Cookies, Dildos, F/M, Innuendo, M/M, Nightmares, Sexual Humor, Suggestive Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-09
Updated: 2013-06-09
Packaged: 2017-12-14 10:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denshi_Alpha/pseuds/Denshi_Alpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lieutenant Kira didn’t expect anything special of his birthday. He certainly didn’t expect it to be so spectacularly bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmare of a Birthday

Kira was long ago past that age when a birthday was an event to be anticipated. Therefore on that particular birthday of his Kira didn’t expect anything unusual when he arrived at the 3rd Division’s office in the morning. He certainly didn’t expect to see Matsumoto lying on his desk, dressed only in her pink scarf that was tied in neat bows at the strategically important points. 

‘Ma-ma-matsumoto-san!’ Kira stuttered.

‘Hello, birthday boy!’ she greeted. 

‘Matsumoto-san, what are you doing?’ Kira said, slightly regaining his presence of mind.

‘Congratulating you. Don’t you want to unwrap your birthday present?’ Matsumoto purred and started pulling at her scarf. Kira gasped and ran out of the office. 

‘Poor Matsumoto-san, all the drinking has finally driven her mad,’ Kira thought. He dared to return to the office half an hour later. Matsumoto was gone, and Kira happily settled for a peaceful day with paperwork. But apparently that was not meant to be. There was a knock at the door, and Renji walked in without even waiting for a reply.

‘Hi, Kira! Here’s your birthday present!’ Renji said and gave Kira a small, flat package wrapped in brown paper. 

‘Thank you, Abarai-san!’ Kira took the proffered present and unwrapped it.

‘Rukia said these things are really popular in the Human world, and I knew that will be right up your alley,’ explained Renji. He noticed Kira’s disbelieving stare and rapidly increasing blush and added: ‘These things are called yaoi!’

‘But Abarai-san, I’m not...’ Kira began. Renji interrupted him: ‘Hehe, don’t be shy! I’ll leave you to enjoy the present!’ Renji winked and walked out of the office. 

Kira shook his head, carefully wrapped the obscene materials back in the paper and put them away. He sighed and was about to start writing his report, when the office door opened again. This time the visitor didn’t even bother to knock. Kira looked up and saw Ikkaku and Yumichika. 

‘Yo, Kira!’ Ikkaku greeted. ‘We heard it’s your birthday...’

‘So we came to make a once in a lifetime offer!’ interrupted Yumichika. Both of them expectantly looked at Kira, who could not help but ask what the offer was. 

‘A threesome with us!’ Ikkaku announced, and Yumichika added: ‘Right here, right now!’ 

Kira gulped. That definitely was not on his agenda. He said: ‘Um, thank you, really, but we are about to have a Division meeting in this office, so right now would really not be the best time.’ The meeting was, of course, a lie, but nothing else occurred to him at the moment.

‘Oh, and I was so looking forward to it’ disappointedly sighed Yumichika. 

‘Hey, come to the Eleventh after your meeting, we’ll be there and will be waiting,’ Ikkaku gave Kira a predatory grin. Kira thanked again, but was careful not to make any promises – Ikkaku’s odd expression made him worried.

The two men left, and Kira shook his head – the day was getting weirder and weirder. He tried to concentrate on his paperwork, but an unexpected interruption occurred again. A timid knock was heard, and Kira invited the visitor to enter. It was Hinamori.

‘Many happy returns of the day, Kira-kun!’ she congratulated. Kira smiled and thanked – at least one person in Gotei 13 didn’t make this day embarrassing. But his relief was premature.

‘Matsumoto-san told me you didn’t want to take your birthday present from her. We figured you might prefer me to deliver it,’ Hinamori said and started undoing her sash. Kira realised with a horrible clarity that in a minute or so there would be a naked Hinamori in his office. If somebody saw that, it would create an absolutely horrible scandal.

‘Hinamori-san, I really appreciate the gift, but we are in an office in the middle of day. This surely isn’t the right time,’ tactfully tried to convince her Kira.

‘Nonsense, Kira-kun! I’ll put a kido barrier on the door, and nobody will even manage to open it,’ cheerfully announced Hinamori, and did exactly that. The situation was turning dangerous, Kira reflected.

‘I’m sorry, I just remembered an urgent thing I had to do!’ Kira exclaimed, and jumped out of the window. Good thing the office was on the ground floor, Kira thought, or he wouldn’t have any escape route. He shunpoed away and decided to hide in the 9th Division.

‘Hisagi-san surely will not do anything weird,’ hopefully thought Kira. In no time Kira was at the 9th Division office, and was greeted by a smiling Hisagi.

‘Well, I was about to go see you! I have a present for you!’ he said. Kira frowned – this present would not be like the other ones, would it? Not that Kira minded getting presents, as such, but that kind of things should be done in a romantic atmosphere, not on a desk. With an effort of will Kira smiled and politely inquired what the present was.

‘Here,’ Hisagi gave him a rather heavy paper bag. ‘I baked them myself.’

Kira looked in the bag, and raised an eyebrow. The shape of the things in the bag was not simply suggestive, it was almost anatomically correct. 

‘I call them cock cookies,’ proudly explained Hisagi. ‘Because you see, they look like...’

‘Yes, yes, I can definitely see the resemblance,’ hurriedly interrupted Kira.

‘Go on, try one! I bet you’d look good with my co... cookie in your mouth!’ Hisagi leered. Kira immediately blushed – saying something so lewd was quite unlike the reserved Hisagi.

‘Maybe later,’ Kira managed, hurriedly bade goodbyes and went back to his Division to escape suggestive remarks. At that point he really did not feel like doing paperwork anymore, but he couldn’t just leave the office, so he sat at the desk and tried to make an origami crane. 

There was a knock at the door again. Kira quickly hid the unfinished creation and invited the person to come in. A shinigami from his Division entered and said: ‘Lieutenant Kira, here is a package for you.’

He gave Kira a box, bowed and left. Could it be another stupid birthday present, Kira wondered. He cautiously opened the package, and what he saw made him cringe – the box was full of dried persimmons. Kira took the lid off the box to check whether it really did not contain anything else, and saw a little note, which said:

‘Happy birthday, Izuru~chan~! Hueco Mundo is so boring, I hope you don’t mind if I come to your b-day party tonight ^_^  
Hugs, G.’

Kira stared at the note. It felt like the world around him was wobbling, like he was falling into a dark pit...

... and then he woke up. He was in his own bedroom, all tangled in bed sheets, sweating and gasping. He looked at the alarm clock – he had actually woken up twenty minutes early. Kira sighed with relief. That had been just about the most bizarre dream he had ever had, but it was just a dream. He got up and prepared for a normal workday without indecent or unpleasant surprises.

His friends actually did come to congratulate him that day, but all their presents were things Kira wanted and needed, and there was no surprise orgy or anything of the sort.


End file.
